Sex, communication, forgiveness: a lasting love relationship is shaped before its creation. How to nurture yours?
Love, relationship and family
Instead of imagining: “He is no longer interested in me! The love between us is over!” Talk! All it takes is a little kindness and tenderness to comfort someone who feels bad and avoid any misunderstanding!Published on January 11, 2021, Seytoo
As in sport, it is better to start with a “winning” mindset and to persevere throughout the course of the “game”. If perseverance is lacking, at the first hurdle, chances of winning will decrease... or even fade away.
Yes, we know that athletes have coaches! Couples do too. They can learn from people who were able to maintain happy and successful relationships. They can ask them for advice or consult a specialist in marital problems. To succeed, you have to have a strong willingness! Couples who have stood the test of time will tell you that they trust each other, that they value each other and that there is a great bond between them.
Each year they are in the habit of picking a date and assessing and “making a snapshot of their relationship.” Most couples choose the date their marriage anniversary as the “D-day” to discuss the state of their relationship and where they want to head to. This is an opportunity to speak with great candor about your happiness and joy, your pain and sorrow. This head to head conversation allows you to make a decision of adjusting certain habits in order to please your partner, and to renew your commitment, as if it was the first day.
It is regrettable that petty fights and power struggles still exist in young and modern couples. If they want to take advantage of their competitive spirit, it would be better for a husband and his wife to take their fight in another field: the constant competition to please each other.
Love relationships required each one of the couple to be understanding
In the beginning, everything is new and beautiful! Many believe that just love is enough. Indeed “it takes a big chunk of trust to confide to someone, to give your body and soul, and to open yourself to someone’s judgments. To love is an act of faith.
Unfortunately, what is often judged is the physical appearance, face and body, the abilities of your body with the fear of being clumsy, not enough, the character traits, the shortcomings, the weaknesses, the fragility, the sensual needs, emotional demands, etc. One is so vulnerable in the romantic relationship, it is essential that the other shows understanding and that he accepts you as you are. The more someone feels accepted, the more they attract each other; the more they admit their fragility, the more they get closer and the more they know each other the more they stay united in love and harmony.
Sexuality matters, nurture the desire for each other
Once married, the risk is to believe that there is no more need for efforts or seduction. “You let yourself go, you let yourself go, go...,” when we must keep on pleasing each other. Seduction is what you need to nurture sexual desire. Each one of you should keep on seducing the other.
But how to seduce your partner? To lead is to express one’s desire to please the other. The following have still important meanings, especially for women: hairstyle, perfume, jewelry, shape and color of clothes, makeup, etc. A good meal, a musical atmosphere, dancing, a common and pleasant activity also are important. Surprise you partner with something unexpected.
Seduction is difficult to describe; it’s a smile, a look, gracious gestures, a kind of harmony that emerges from the person and gives the impression of being close. It is a way of being that is reflected both in the silhouette, style, work, relationships with others... And in all countries, the saying is that “a wife keeps her husband with good food and a well maintained house!” Meanwhile it is up to the husband to improve the comfort of the home and the quality of life for his family. Marriage is a bet on love and fidelity, you better not to lose it! A Wiseman said it well: “When you are young, you have to please. After starting to please, you must not displease!”
How do you stay faithful to the same person for the rest of your life?
Why once married, wouldn’t it be possible to enjoy the security and trust of a lasting relationship and at the same time to live have an affair, an affair with one's husband or wife? Everyone knows, especially if they have experienced a harmonious period on the sexual level in their life, that having sex with love is a real pleasure, an undeniable source of energy, a way of getting vivified.
The person you love and desire to have sex with is like the oxygen you breathe. If sexuality is something to celebrate, it is necessarily shared, and ideally, everyone should be able to express oneself. Whether you are a man or woman, if you love someone, you make that person feel alive. The moment you betray him or her, by sharing that love with others, by having sex with others... it becomes like a knife stabbed in your partners’ heart.
How to stay in love?
The term “lover” may surprise you, when it should seem normal to all those who got married for love! Love is such a strong feeling that it takes over the whole body and should be able to express itself with great spontaneity. Why, once married, one should always be satisfied with routine exchanges, at the same time, in the same place, in the same position, without taking advantage of the privileged moments when desires are in harmony. To avoid letting monotony settle in his couple, a man should not forget the period during which he was acting like a gentleman to conquer his wife’s heart.
It is not marriage that kills love. It is the routine that suffocates it because “man hates what he sees as repetition, habit or duty.”
It is also up to the woman to create something new. Thanks to their friends, they can learn some tips to break the routine at home in their sex lives.
But how can the woman take the initiative to create moments of intimacy and dare certain caresses and attitudes when she was raised with respect for modesty? Over the years, the couple’s relationship has evolved, and for a sex therapist, “getting rid of certain number of taboos is part of learning and it comes with age.” So if you want to stay in love while being married, you must break the sexual routine.
You have to express your feelings…
The heart needs proof of love. Gifts are always a pleasure, but they can only be occasional. Sweet words are nice. Gestures of tenderness and all the little attentions are more spontaneous, more personal proofs and truly inspired by affection. Whoever is the subject of it must say how much these marks of affection are appreciated. “The words of the day shape the songs of the night.”
…and listen to the other!
You have to learn to unfold the meaning of certain sentences and behaviors: “I don't want anything!”, “Leave me alone”... and certain attitudes, such as the desire to isolate oneself in a calm space, a lack of appetite... These reflections and these behaviors, which often translate into a great deal of tiredness, a bad mood, professional annoyance, unacknowledged pain... are often misinterpreted.
Instead of imagining: “He is no longer interested in me! The love between us is over!” Talk! All it takes is a little kindness and tenderness to comfort someone who feels bad and avoid any misunderstanding!
It can also happen that a partner sees the other as a “pain in the ass,” and like the proverb says: “The word that has passed the mouth quickly exceeds the mountains.” So, it's better to bear the unwarranted reproaches and wait for the tornado to end! Afterwards, it will be possible to speak calmly.
The best is to schedule moments of intimacy!
Intimacy has many facets, it is not only sexual. It can also be the body, emotional and intellectual. During the day, depending on one's preferences and schedule, there are often opportunities to share a few minutes of intimacy: rest on the mat, sit on the same bench to share your worries, drink together fruit juice or tea, exchange gestures of tenderness when you meet, take a walk together when an elder watches the little ones, hold hands... Let time pass by and think only of yourselves for a few priviledged moments every day. You were doing it before getting married, why not after getting married? Why not take advantage of it, when it’s even easier since you live together!
To those who think, “Yes, but it’s not something we do at home…”, the answer is: “Be honest with yourself. Stop wasting time watching romantic movies! Turn off your television and listen to a beautiful song together. You need your “our-time” to revive your love for each other.
You realize that knowing how to set enough time for each other is as important as watching a game, going to a bar, chatting with friends or watching TV… This is also the opinion of the Senegalese wife who sees “television as a time eater.” Spend time with you partner. It matters.
Understand that the words you say are golden
There is a saying: “Speech is silver and silence is golden”. This saying does not apply to love relationships! How can you get along well without saying what makes you happy and daring to talk about what becomes difficult to bear? There are so many occasions to be rude, in words, gestures, impatience or his nonchalance, domestic responsibilities and children’s education, household duties, etc.
Here is a small scene of domestic life:
- In the evening, the wife is sad: “I took time to prepare his favorite dish; he did not even tell me if it was good!”
- Her husband is unhappy: “I came home earlier to see my wife and she did not leave her kitchen!”
If she had only said “It wanted to please you, that is why I am so busy tonight.” If the husband arrived, he told her wife: “You must be happy, today I am here early!”
Both would have kept a smile and a good mood. As people from Burundi point out: “Whoever just swallows the dough does not realize that the one who ground it is tired.”