“I love you.” What does it truly mean?
Love, relationship and family
It is said that when you know why you love someone, the feeling is gone. I love ... I don't know why ... and that's why I love.Updated on December 01, 2020, Babs
Love, the term sounds so familiar... I love my wife as much as I love chocolate. The word is used in a number of contexts... We like, we don't like ... Let's go over the dictionary definition. And when you really think about it, do you have a definition of that term? We evoke feelings, sensations, emotions ... nothing very concrete in fact. Yet each of us uses this term in everyday life. A man needs to feel loved, and so does a woman, but the need lies in the simple act of saying this phrase: “I love you.” Popularly, it is said that when you know why you love someone, the feeling is gone. I love ... I don't know why ... and that's why I love.
On the side of psychoanalysis, the feeling of love, to love more precisely leads us to other paths, duller, less “beautiful” it can be ...
Consider a man and a woman. They love each other. But who loves whom? The man loves the woman because she gives him an image of himself that he loves. It is not the other that we love but ourselves through the other. Selfish? No! Reciprocally the woman will love the other according to this image which she likes to see from the man. We come back to the mirror phenomenon. The other is a mirror of oneself, he sends us back an image, very often unknown, unconscious one might say.
There is of course “to please” in the physical sense. A woman pleases a man because she meets the criteria of beauty that he himself has developed over time, since his very early childhood to be more precise. Some will see criteria developed on the model of his mother, but the subject is not there. The woman who pleases, therefore, on purely physical aspects, represents a real projection of an image shaped inside oneself. The more the woman we look at gets closer to this “typical portrait”, the more the man will be attracted to her. The converse is once more true with regard to the woman against a man.
When people get closer, physically, I then speak of proximity without contact, taking into account hormonal phenomena: pheromones and others... When a dialogue takes place, we “learn” to know the other. In truth, we verify that the other meets certain criteria. These, beyond the physical aspect, are also created over time. They correspond to an image of oneself transposed into the other sex. A man of strong build may be attracted to a very thin woman or one approaching his own physique, everything depends on the projection of himself that he has made in his feminine “image” of himself.
To love yourself, you must first love the other. In other words, and even if it seems shocking, if a man is attracted to a woman, it is above all because the converse is true. Nature is sometimes well made, unconscious, we never get closer to a person to whom we could not return a feeling identical to the one we perceive. Never, in the sense that the individual's neurosis does not consist precisely in being attracted by chimeras, where the masochism of the encounter is not present.
When a woman feels attracted to a man and that in everyday life nothing is done for the two beings to come closer, it is because there is an error in the approach. Very often, the individual reflects on how to approach the other, how to please the other. Doing things for the other person usually leads to a dead end. If I offer flowers because I know she loves flowers, when it is not a deep wish that belongs to me, the result may be disappointing. Yet this is the approach of most people.
For the WE to exist, we must first privilege the I. Listening to yourself, to your desires in relation to the other, having fun through the other. If my desire is to offer a box of ravioli to the one I “apply”, it is this desire that must be followed without worrying about the reaction of the other. By “putting yourself in the other's shoes” too much, trying to understand how the other will react, you forget the main thing: yourself. Self and one's own existence populated by the desires of the other. Now, if we reason with this mirror phenomenon, if I do it according to the other, I do not send back any image, the one likely to “suit” the other, to please.
The approach must be entirely personal, think only of yourself because precisely the other undertakes the same process, and it is these two combined which allow the rapprochement. The WE is an addition of two I's and not each of the I's doing according to the other. Everyone must keep their own personality, the I must not become a GAME supposed to seduce or even capture the other. This type of relationship usually doesn't get very far.
When couples break up, it is because one of the images, and very often both, returned by each one no longer "suits". The image of oneself sent back by the other no longer corresponds to oneself. There is therefore a break in every sense of the word.