What do you really need to recover from a painful breakup?
Love, relationship and family
Breaking up is part of life, you finally understand it. You draw conclusions about yourself, your relationships; you set new goals, you have more specific criteria, and you know it will be difficult to fall back into the same spiral.Updated on November 29, 2020, Seytoo
Most, if not all of us, have had to face a painful break at one time or another. The experience with a man who leaves us, women, a man who promised us mountains and wonders, with whom we had plans, with whom we even chose the names of our children, their school, decoration of our dream house, etc. This man who destroys us with a simple “I am leaving you,” or “you deserve better than me…” or who turns us his back and disappears from our landscape.
Yes, it happened to me, and it may have happened to you, and it may happen to all of us even if we swear by all gods saying “Never again.” The important thing in this kind of “drama” is self-recovering. How one can recover after being betrayed by the man she has always loved? In order to recover, it is important to know that after this radical change, this sudden emptiness, you will go through stages. Indeed, experts speak of essential steps that we must live, voluntarily or not, before fully recovering.
When the man you love tell you “I am breaking up with you” or “It’s over…”, you are shocked. You can't understand the shock, you may feel like this is a joke specially when everything was going so well for you. You are shocked by the sudden displeasure. You have trouble realizing, and when you wake up the next day, the pain is there, and your mind says “I will not see him today”, “I will never see him again,” “This is impossible!” “Will he come back…” By the time you realize it, you tears are already flowing.
The denial is the continuation of the first step: the firm rejection of reality. “It is unacceptable, it is not possible, what am I missing?” “What did I do, the faux pas?” “I refuse this breakup.” “I will get him back; he will come back to beg me; he will tell me that he was wrong; in any case, it is by losing me that he will realize my true value…”Despite all of the self-talk, he will not come back.
You are caught in a whirlwind of anger: You hold it against him, you go over moments of your life together, but you cannot find anything that can make you understand the situation: “How dare he do this to me?” Why was he making promises to me then? Why was he telling me he loved me? What kind of bastard is this? Why do I only come across bastards who hurt me? (…)”. You feel an unbearable anger, it's official: You hate him! You swear that you will make him suffer. Finally, you realize it is indeed over.
You first ask yourself “What am I going to say to those around me?” How do I tell all these people who knew us and who were jealous of us? “It is a failure, a shame. I am not even able to keep a man!” And then comes the physical and mental questioning: “What’s wrong with me? Am I ugly? Am I getting old? Is that why?” Oddly enough, all the negative reasons you find or imagine seem plausible to you, and you conclude that this is why the story has stopped. You put a negative tag on yourself without having all of the facts.
A few days, weeks or months later (or more, it all depends on how long each stage lasts), you accept the reality. Yes, this is a new page. No, this is not about “healing”, but it is a big step towards a new life that awaits you. You accept the pain, and it's usually the longest and best step in order to go ahead and think rationally, with enough perspective.
Breaking up is part of life, you finally understand it. You draw conclusions about yourself, your relationships; you set new goals, you have more specific criteria, and you know it will be difficult to fall back into the same spiral. You heal. You will sometimes look at this scar and be in pain; but the opposite would not be normal. This is necessary and is part of the recovery. A better life is waiting for you.
Compassion for others
Remember that beyond your suffering, another person suffers: the man who left you. Yes, it sounds so illogical, but tell yourself that leaving a loved one takes courage and a lot of sincerity. Precisely, at this stage, you are more empathetic, and you realize that his feeling of guilt may follow him all his life. You have compassion; you smile, and that’s the end of the ordeal!