Love, relationship and family

When money kills love, what should every couple understand?

Updated on March 02, 2021, Mois
When money kills love, what should every couple understand?

My wife waste a lot of money and it annoys me. Is that bad? Many couples believe that money will never be a problem. “When we love each other, money doesn’t count!” But isn't that a sweet illusion? This man is right to point out this problem and try to clear it up.

In our consumerism society, money holds such a place that it would be astonishing if it had no repercussions on family life and love itself. Money well spent is a wonderful source of happiness through comfort, the security it provides, the leisure it offers. But it is also, too often, a source of conflicts over the choices to be made, the investment priorities (a car or living?).

Monthly tensions to determine priorities, veiled accusations towards the one who does not work or the one who is facing unemployment, embarrassment for the latter to talk about his needs, shame of the one who does not bring money home, jealousy because of wages differences… not to mention the conflicts it causes with third parties! With brothers and sisters during inheritance sharing, with the in-laws, judged as cheap if they do not rush to the rescue of the couple in difficulty. The most frequent conflicts are caused either because one of the spouses is perceived as a money addict, or on the contrary as an improvident prodigal.

Save money, at all costs…

There is a first category of spouses: those who are deeply attached to money. They are obsessed with hoarding, the squirrels of savings: they purse - cautiously - and save the least penny. They are thirsty to own, to increase their capital. They justify themselves by saying that they are setting aside to protect the family. They preach the economy (by candlelight!) And are hurt by the slightest loss of money. The race for sales (although legitimate in some ways) is obsessive for them. Among them, you find those who love money for money and not for the benefits it can provide, it is the “lovers of the golden calf” who contemplate their woolen stockings or their bank account. We can place in this category the anxious who need to be secured by the mattress of fine money, “in case there is war, illness, unemployment…”

It goes without talking about the spouse who must deprive himself from good things, constantly calculating, sometimes refusing to give money to his children, can only suffer. Such extreme behavior should be denounced.

…spend everything as it comes.

Conversely, we have spouses who believe that money is to be spent, and who do not hesitate to spend everything. Prodigal indiscriminate, they love to consume, enjoy shopping. Buying, getting “good deals,” new items piling up, useless objects, falling for a pair of shoes, filling a wardrobe that overflows with clothes,… that gives them the impression of existing, but can strongly irritate a man, especially if he is the one who pays! When the two spouses are cicadas and, moreover, have no money management rules, bank overdrafts are inevitable and racing to see borrowers with high interest rates becomes just normal; some couples, even with more than adequate wages, are unable to make ends meet.

In this group there are also those who spend to impress. We buy the splashing car, suggesting that we have the same or better standing than the neighbors (or brothers and cousins!). Finally, we must not forget all those (few) who, in an excess of generosity, give distribute their hard earned money to the world, to those who reach out, to the parish, or to their movement, sometimes at the expense of the needs of the family.

How should we handle money?

How then to mitigate, if not resolve, the possible conflicts in the two cases mentioned above? First, it is essential that each spouse dares to study their relationship with money. Money, at least in our country, is still a taboo subject, and we don't like to talk about it too much either with others or with ourselves. There are questions we prefer not to ask. For example: Were we fair in our statements? What do we do with our extra money? So it's important to study yourself fairly: do I tend to be lavish or attached to money? Which requires looking at your motivations: why am I so attached to money? For the sake of having it, who is responsible for compensating for this lack of living that I feel? For security reasons? Fear of missing out? To be considered, valued? By showing outward signs of success? By envy? To be independent from my spouse? To enjoy life? To have power in the couple and / or outside? Do I need to give a lot to exist?

Why, on the contrary, am I so lavish, spendthrift? Again, to exist? By compensation for the affection not received? By the inability to control the urge to spend? Who wants nothing less than everything? To be noticed or even simply to please? Out of contempt for this money which is considered dirty (“devil's dung”).

Then it is good for each spouse to try to understand the behavior of the other who is confused, without judgement. What are the motivations and the root causes of this relationship to money? Is it education issues? Social background? Attitude of his or her parents? A lack of money during childhood? Or on the contrary an overabundance of easy money, its history with its successes or its failures, its ideology or its questionable reading, the environment of a society kneeling before money, which perhaps explain a behavior that the can we deplore? Understand that, in order to be able to speak about money without conflicts, be calm and make sure you know your spouse well enough!

The fact remains that these money problems will have to be properly managed.

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