“You started it!” How to grow up and face your love relationship issues?
Love & Family
Married couples are considered adults. So it’s time they take responsibilities and face their problem in a “matured” way, instead of evading from it.Updated on October 19, 2020, Anna
“It’s not me, it’s the woman You gave me” said Adam to God after the fall. Then Eve said: “It’s not me, it is the snake....” In this situation, it is the same process of guilt-freeing and dis-empowerment: it is the fault of the other if it does not go well in our couple, he/she does not do what is necessary, does not love me enough, doesn’t pray enough, never question himself or herself etc.
The reality is that both spouses are jointly responsible for their marital relationship and the health of their love. How is it that, after the “honeymoon” during the first years, the temptation is to fade away, and each one points fingers to the other with accusations of causing the dissatisfaction and frustrations felt in the couple? How to detect this insidious mechanism which intoxicates the relationship?
The presence of one or more of the following behaviors suggests the transformation of two passionate lovers at the start of their marriage into two intimate enemies as years go by. They will need then to spot those signs and to prevent the worst from happening!
Criticism is an attack on the integrity of a person, especially if it keeps coming back. No criticism can be constructive, because it does not make the difference on the behavior and the person. Treating your wife as frigid or your husband as impotent, instead of blaming him or her for passive behavior or lack of self-confidence, does not have the same impact. The sarcasm, the irony and the brutality can only provoke a higher tension. To avoid falling into criticism, cultivate a positive outlook and benevolence (find and focus on the good in each other): what did I like about you today?
The devaluing contempt, it can be verbal like “You brain is like a bird’s.” Or it can non-verbal: eyes raised to the sky, sneer, disdainful pout, etc. Contempt expresses disgust and seeks to humiliate the other, by calling him irresponsible, and by adopting a moralistic and superior attitude: “I know myself, what is good and what should be done.” Often, it is the result of negative ruminations about reproaches or previous disputes. Exasperated, it can go as far as blackmailing: “If you don't change, you will only have to take it out on yourself...” Contempt breeds contempt. Couples who want to be happy should ask for forgiveness of the other if they fall into this “contempt trap”, because it is a real offense.
It is natural for a human being to adopt a defensive attitude, in the face of contemptuous criticism. It is very human to defend oneself, but that does not solve anything, it only adds fuel to the fire. To justify oneself is to attack, and to point out to those who criticize that he (she) is wrong is to seek to score a point! So, it is going to lead to a war... and it is the couple who will be losing, as well as each of the two spouses... Only patience, which allows support for each other, can stop escalation, and gives the courage to return peacefully (and at the right time!) to hurtful words and attitudes: on condition that you do not lock yourself into a rigid mind. You both need the courage to talk about your issues in a calm way without getting into unnecessary fights.
The evasion is when one of the two spouses gives up, lowers his or her arms and resorts to silence... Rather than confronting their wives, there are men who flee the fight with an attitude “What comes in by an ear, comes out by the other!” This exasperates their wives and gives them an additional reason to say: “But it was you who started!” Many of these couples do not even look at each other in the eyes when they are together or when they talk to each other... What a mess! You cannot solve a problem if you don’t face the problem. Married couples are considered adults. So it’s time they take responsibilities and face their problem in a “matured” way, instead of evading from it.
God loved us first, so we too can decide to love our spouse first. Without waiting for changes from him or her, without waiting for a request for forgiveness, it is important for one of the two spouses to make the first move. What do we expect to be responsible for a couple? To get out of the childish attitude of “it was you who started!” We can make the other happy if we are committed to do so.