03 September 2021, Amlesage
Moliere said in his day that "hypocrisy is a fashionable life", I wonder what he would have said in our time.
I'm not playing the moralist, on this side I may be the worst man so I dare not talk about it. I'm just saying I'm just expressing my desires. For me, it was nature that wanted it that way. Some will tell me that our ability to control our desires sets us apart from animals and I tell them that by trying to tame the beast in us, we risk implosion.
The best is to indulge your urges: whatever ideas come to mind, you will not risk falling into the evil and you will find that it is so good.
Blame me for believing in myself, you will be wrong. Blame me for doing too much on myself, I even find that I am not doing enough. Blame it for doing badly, at least I can accept that, but don't blame myself for doing things that I love, in which I find my happiness. I am out of step with morality, with your morality, your society, but that is how I am. To lie to me is to take the risk of falling into an illusion. I prefer to be myself.
The only two beings who know what I'm doing, who know me well and accept me for who I am are Mai and a certain chronicler friend.
Mai, I owe her a lot, not for loving me, she's not the only one, but for being the only one looking for the best of me. She wants me to become the good that is in me. She wants me to let this good, however small, arise.
With her, I discovered what love was. I understood that I had done a lot of harm.
I understood that love is a two-person game, if there is no responder at a certain time you have to face reality, even if it hurts. And that's exactly what I told Fatima, Bijou, Eva and all the "princesses" in my life. It was difficult for me to separate myself from them but I had to. It turned out well after all.
If we ignore certain threats, I am rather proud of myself. Eva called me "you bad shit badola." Bijou, she promised to cut my ... Fatima, she was speechless, she couldn't understand why I had made all these efforts to get her back if it was to "dump her like a pile of shit". Oupss, there she was angry. But I don’t know what it is, I still feel a connection with her and my heart races every time I see her. I explained this to her and told her that if it was up to me to choose, obviously she would be my "queen of hearts" but "the heart has its reasons ...” As always, she gives in and I win. Since then, she's the only one who has the lucidity to speak to me so far.
Sosso, I was going to forget my must, my best story. If I had to order my heart, I would ask her to love Sosso. She is exactly my type of woman, dedicated, beautiful, tall but not too much, not too frills and never asks me the question I hate the most: "Do you love me". What do they want us to answer to that then that there is only one possible answer? Sometimes I have the urge to say NO, but I am a responsible person who cares about his life.
So for me, Sosso was the perfect girl and when I told her what I was going to do, she kissed me, looked me in the eye and said for the first time "I love you". Before I answer, she continues "I support you my prince in your business but above all do not let me down because of your commitment, however great it may be". I promised to stop by and see her while I could. It was sad and for the first time, we saw each other without taking action, we remembered our best moments as if this moment marked the end of an adventure, of our adventure.
The decision had to be made. I had to get out of this circle of negativity that was still holding me back and blocking my progress. It was the right decision, easier said than done because I was not done with girls.
But for Mai, I wanted to do it and for myself. And mostly because I wanted to convince his mother that I was acting in good faith.
I went to her house, in fact, to talk to the old woman. Mai was not there but her sister was, she was the one who greeted me and told me that her sister and her mother were out. It was just the two of us in the house. She was wearing pants so tight it seemed like her ass was going to spill over. This girl was really provocative. I felt uncomfortable and yet I wanted her so much and she knew it. She was playing on it. She explained to me that she had cleaned the house and that she had to change before going out.
Phew so much the better, I said to myself before seeing her reappear with only a bra on her.
Oh shit! What a beautiful breast! She walked past me, went to retrieve something and then ironed, saying "I'm coming back darling". She had a nice pair. A firm breast, neither too big nor very small. There was a certain shine in them; it looked like she had coated something on them to make them look so bright and attractive. And when she passed in front of me, I could only greet her and accompany her with my gaze.
Now was not the time to give in. I decided to leave before I did the irreparable thing but she insisted that I stay. It was just to get me some bullshit about his sister. I'm sure she went to tap into the darkness of her soul to be able to say such nonsense about Mai. This girl was as dark as me. She wanted to pass her sister off as a devil and she as a saint.
As she told all her bullshit, I thought about the good life I was going to have with her sister. I didn't even realize she had gotten any closer to me. The touch of his hand, trying to open my fly, made me jump like a kid who just stepped on fire.
Fortunately, that was exactly when Mai entered the house. She laughed as soon as she saw me and said "you are sweating sweetie, what my sister has done to you". Not to talk about it anymore, I assured him that nothing had happened.
I spoke to the mother in all sincerity, I told her about me, about myself, about what Mai had done for me, she understood. She was amazed that I told her that I couldn't guarantee that she would always be happy with me but that I would never and never do anything that could hurt her, at least not on purpose. She appreciated my honesty and promised to speak to the old Serer. With that, I left smiling like a jerk because there were no obstacles in front of me except my trip, my bloody trip.
I still had a week left when an unfortunate event struck around me. Corn; we are not here to talk about bad luck. My trip had to be postponed for two weeks.
I still had time to spend with Mai. My love for her was having a new impetus and I had to do everything to prove it. She was the attentive type and had felt that the time had come to move on to serious and especially concrete things. She wanted us to get married before I left the country. For her, that was the only way to be sure I wouldn't change my mind.
I didn't want to lose her but I couldn't say yes to her too. I was too young to hang myself. I like this girl, but going from "multi-bed" to "in a relationship" took all the effort in the world. She didn't want to push it too hard, though. Marriage, I consider it suicide; "One ring is passed on the woman's finger and the other on the man's nose." A kind of slavery legalized and legitimized by society. I don't want to end up like those old nerds who can't stand coming home even after a hard day's work. Imbued with remorse and regret, they prefer the street to the comfortable sofa in their living room.
In marriage, the days follow and resemble each other; this is the tragedy. You feel like you are going through the same troubles. This finding depresses you. But, you can not do anything more, children are there, Madame has gained a few kilos, you continue to love her still while hating her a little bit. Everything that happens to you is her fault.
Oh no, I really wouldn't like that to happen to me.
After a few days of no response, she realized that I was not ready for marriage. So she came up with something else. She wanted us to have a child. I didn’t mind the idea. I had mostly been away for a few days and this was a good idea. But for the first time, I wanted to do it right, right. Again, she resented me and said I didn't love her enough. I understood she was just scared. There was something to be afraid of but she was forgetting my determination to stay with her. She didn't want to understand anything and sulked.
Three days before I left, she still hadn't come back. I decided to leave because my mother asked me to and I can't refuse her anything. His happiness comes before mine. If Mai hadn't understood this then too bad for both of us.
I knew I had to reassure her anyway. I called her, she came to see me, we talked about it at length and finally she resigned herself to letting me go and continuing this relationship and letting go of her ideas of being a child and marriage.
The day I left, we spent the day together. She arrived at my house at 6 a.m. A very sweet awakening, looks imbued with a remarkable complicity and a clear awakening of sensuality. Happiness was there, a happiness with an unprecedented passion. Both sensual and romantic, I was in the mood to cuddle her and give her pleasure. She made me my coffee as usual and came to crawl under my quilt.
Today, more relaxed than usual, she dared to suggest that I explore the mysteries of pleasure without complex. She dared to loosen up and show what she was capable of, for my greatest happiness.
We left the house two hours later, to strut about in love without too much embarrassment of prying eyes. Feelings exacerbated, we had what to do with the rest. So we stayed kissing until a certain late hour. I had to go to mother's house, that is where I had to leave. She and mother spoke to each other at length before I left. It was time for me to say goodbye to Mai when my mother called me around the corner to suggest that I let him accompany us. Mai was more than delighted. From there, I left straight for the airport.
I was with now the two women I love the most in the world and yet only one could accompany me to the airport. Deep down I wanted it to be Mai and mother must have felt it and she slipped something in my pocket and hugged me hard, I didn't want her to stop. I have become like that little toddler whom only the mother's presence can calm while he is in the midst of tears. She released me to ask Mai to come with me.
I had to check in my bags fast enough because I was late. So I only had a little time left before boarding. It was total silence and there I knew that silence can say a lot and that the best way to express yourself sometimes is to look, to gesture. I've always thought that if "what you have to say isn't as interesting as silence, then you should be quiet." That's what I did, I shut up and looked at her teary, shining eyes, while holding her hand.
When it was time for me to go, I couldn't let go of her hand and neither did she. Hardly, I pulled away from her while turning around until her face disappeared among so many others who were around. Her gaze and her tears, only gave me one urge to return. It was too late, I had just gone through customs and entered the departure lounge.
When a few minutes later the plane took off, I couldn't help but foolishly believe that looking down, I might be able to make a sign of her. This was not the case but one thing is certain, my life as a "multi-tenant" had just ended and a new one had just taken place. I do not know the latter reserves me but I do not regret anything in the previous one.
Jules and Maï are still together, a story that has lasted for more than 5 years now. All the stories he has had so far each constitute a piece of the puzzle that ultimately constitutes his emotional happiness. It's a story like no other because this man as he often claims is capable of the best as well as the worst. With Maï, he wants to show the best of himself. It's still not easy because women still keep turning around him. That may never change. When one day he wanted to know more about this situation, the response he got was both funny and irritating. "Your planet has a radiant glow, which incites the lust of other planets" was his response and since then he has resigned himself. He is not always exemplary but one thing is certain, all the harm he has done he considers an experience for himself and his "victims".
The purpose of this column was not to shock, if that was the case, it would be awkwardness on my part. Besides, while most of the facts are true, the most shocking things have come out of my imagination.
My sole purpose was to denounce all "Jules", all irresponsible parents like uncle, the naivety of certain girls. Life is not a fairy tale and some seem to not know it, and especially to show how the environment can change the individual.
Thank you for showing interest in my column, thank you for your encouragement and your expressions of support and forgiveness for the many mistakes and inconsistencies you have had to face.
This column was entirely dedicated to the “Anti-Jules” committee.
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