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Chronicles

“I am a virgin… So if you really love me protect me from you.” Maze (12), by N47

15 March 2021, N47

The weeks went by and like in the very beginning of a relationship everything seemed to be perfect. We talked for hours on the phone until even the late hours of the night.

Penda: Not much; you know every woman dreams of two things mainly: to be loved and respected. I will very much appreciate that you are honest with me, that you are faithful to me, that you commit to the relationship and above all that you are my best friend, the one I will trust, the knees on which I will lament the shoulder on which I will lean. When it comes to sex, I don't know what your habits were and what you may have done with your exes doesn't interest me either, but I know that I am a virgin and I want to stay that way until the marriage. So if you really love me protect, me from you.

I discovered a whole different person. Not the one who was cold, self-assured and looked like a tough guy, but someone who despite appearances was fragile, who needed affection and trust. This is important a lot of people don't know this. Indeed among our primary needs is that of trusting, giving of ourselves and unreservedly trusting someone, because as strong as we are we sometimes need to let our humanity express itself.

I felt her heart beating very close to mine, a real sincerity emanated from her eyes, her voice was calm and trembling at the same time and in my heart I chose to trust her but from experience I could not tell her.

Me: I love you it's a truth and every day that God does I will show it to you. You know my conception of love is really close to yours. It is complicity and complementarity. I don't talk much about myself. It's hard to pin down my emotions, in fact I refuse to even be discovered entirely because anyone who wants to reach a man is sure to succeed if he goes through his emotions. This is not a hypothesis; it is a fact. I have always told myself that if there is one person to whom I will open my privacy and my integrity, it is the one who will be my wife. She would be the only one to see my tears, to realize my moments of weakness and doubt, she alone would be the keeper of my secrets, the balm of my sorrows and the executioner of my fears. Now it's up to you if you want to be this one, but know that you have to earn it. I don't put all the blame on you but every relationship has a life and it needs to be nurtured and protected to make it the best it can be.

I'm not going to play the perfect man either, I have a bunch of more than normal flaws besides and only two qualities: I'm honest and a truth-teller. I will never lie to you and you want to know one thing ask me I will serve you the truth even if after that you will not want me anymore. If two things are enough for you then I will definitely make you happy.
I will not try to mold you my way or my image or force you to see the world through my eyes. I will respect who you are. You will teach me how to live in harmony with you and me alike.

On the other hand, I am warning you, I am very protective, you will find it charming at first but over time it will piss you off but I will not care because I feel responsible for you. Expect me to do bullshit like everyone else, we'll have fights but either way let's try and chat and it won't take away my love for you. Billions of times I'll mess with you, billions of times I'll ask for your forgiveness and N times you'll forgive. This is the life of a couple.

As for sex, even if you're not interested, you must know that I knew women, I'm not going to hide it from you. However, you can rest assured that I am not a sexual freak, and I will personally set limits for myself.

All this I say for the first and last time and for my part I will do my best to respect and honor my words. Remember that because it is the promise of infinity.

A long silence sheltered the room we chatted a little more and she left. Relationships I've had in my life, but this one and that day were special. Proof of everything I have ever experienced, I have never remembered an event with such precision, second by second. The energy that created this was not that she was very beautiful and desirable, but that light of sincerity emanating from two hearts. Why I say that, well because of whatever she wanted I felt able to bring it to her and fulfill her.

The weeks went by and like in the very beginning of a relationship everything seemed to be perfect. We talked for hours on the phone until even the late hours of the night.

One day when she came home from work with a colleague who lived near my house, she called me:

Penda: Hi cabbage, how are you?
Me: good treasure, and you?
Penda: I am fine. I feel lonely, I miss you.
Me: So capricious! I miss you too.
Penda: Are you walking? It sounds windy.
Me: I just got off we are on our way home. Remind me, we will discuss calmly.
Penda: We? Who is it?
Me: Marie and I, my colleague who lives near my house.

She suddenly changes her voice

Penda: And you have to go home with her?
Me: Please, stop. I will call you back as soon as I arrive.

I didn't want Marie to understand that we were talking about her and that Madame is not happy that I am walking with her, and for me our discussions are private I always lock myself up when I am on the phone with her.

Penda: I don't like it. This should be the last time.

And right there, she hung up on me. Mash I was boiling inside I was so angry. I, who hated it, never hang up on people. I couldn't wait to get home to call her back. When I arrived, I put my bags down, quickly said hello to the family and locked myself in my room.

Me: Hello
Penda: Hello, listen...
Me: No you listen to me, I don't know what you're playing. If you try to have some power over me, I want you to return it to where you took it from. Let this be the first and last time you do this to me. Do it again and I will never call you again, I swear it on my mother’s head. You will never get anything from me with such an attitude.

At the end of the line, I heard her voice no more, only her breathing. I don't like it; you don't have to try to intimidate your partner and if she doesn't take me with feelings no force or threats could. I am what I might call a self-destroyer. No matter what I lose, no matter what it will cost me when I am put in these situations, make sure you are ready to lose everything because I will not let go. I am not a generator of problems, but I never run away from them.

Penda: Excuse me honey, it was only jealousy that dominated me. I admit my mistake.
Me: Making you feel guilty doesn't interest me, it's the gesture that I don't like and what is certain I will not have done to you. You don't agree with this or that point with me say it because after all you have rights over me.

In fact, at the beginning of our relationship she was attracted but over time she fell in love very much. Suddenly attitudes that she would never have suspected in her surface like jealousy and she was afraid of losing me. I understood that and made her feel safe.

Still in this discovery of the other, a few weeks later we still had the fight going on. This time I disrespected her according to her because during one of our discussions I said “go to hell” to her.

Penda: You have no respect for me, don't insult me anymore!
Me: I don’t care. Let me even ad “Fuck you.”
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