18 November 2020, N47
I have nothing to offer you, at least not at the moment, but I give you my heart and promise you love, respect, support and understanding for the rest of my life.
She looked surprised hearing these words, she said nothing more and I took her hand and put it on my chest.
Me: what are you feeling?
Lydia: your heart that beats very fast
Me: exactly and do you think from what little you know about me that I'm afraid right now
Me: I don't, there is no explanation, I have none at all. Lydia I have loved you for a long time. When I am with you my heart races, I am excited and soothed at the same time. I even forget about my problems. I have come to know and appreciate you and I would like from that day on that we would write our own love story together. I have nothing to offer you, at least not at the moment, but I give you my heart and promise you love, respect, support and understanding for the rest of my life.
She sighed and held her mouth for a moment and answered me calmly.
Me: Malick since you came to my house you have occupied a big place in my life. I know you are sincere but I have another commitment and you know it.
Actually, I knew she was with someone, but when you go to war doubting your abilities it's best to go back to bed. I had to take my chance, it was worth it and then I don't know what I was missing. Often times people miss out on a tiny moment in their life that would have guaranteed them lasting happiness. So I attack again.
Me: just answer these questions and then I'll leave you alone. Do you see yourself with him in 10 years? Do you ever think about his problems more than yours? Do you feel that burning urge to want to share everything with him, everything you own no matter how insignificant it is? Because I see myself in 10 years married to you, I even see what our children would look like, yes young lady I want to make you my wife and the mother of my children. Every time I see you I try to read through your eyes if you are okay, if you are happy or if you have no problems. I want to share everything with you. If that's not that loving tell me what is it then? If my words aren't enough for you, tell me what to do since you're not giving me the chance to prove my words to you.
She bursts into tears and tells me.
Lydia: why are you doing this to me? By what right do you upset my world? I am already with someone. I don't know how to play and I don't want to. I think it would be better if we left it there with you and me. Please go away and leave me alone.
Me: as you want. Love rhymes with consensus, it does not come off, it is given and there is no point in forcing yourself. I will go, before I bring you home, know that in terms of happiness you have to be selfish because you are alone when you feel pain and you know that between you and me there is a link, a feeling of good to be shared to be together. You want to try it with me, that's what your heart tells you but you ignore it. But when a heart begins to speak, it will never be silent until it has the desired object. It is good to be a person of your word, but in love it is the heart that rules. No matter how much you try, I mean try to honor your commitment, but sooner or later, whether I'm here or not you will leave him. It is not a science much less a religion but just the law of love. You can never be forever with someone you dislike or doubt you love. And during that time you will have lost everyone you loved. One last time Lydia, take my hand and come with me.
I felt a lot of disappointment at that moment, I was devastated. It’s that feeling of having missed something or missed something that would have been of great importance in our life. On the way back, there was total silence.
Many people miss a lot because they are afraid of suffering, but in reality the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. Opening up to emotions is natural, it gives life to our heart and this fear that prevents us from living. To live is not only that of happiness it is also to make mistakes, to fall, to get up again, to look after our wounds, to move forward because yes the worst is not all that, the worst is to fall and remained hanging on the ground. "And the day will come when difficult times will be nothing more than stories you will be proud to tell to those who want to hear them. And all will listen to them with respect and learn three important things:
- patience to wait for the right moment to act;
- the wisdom not to let the next opportunity slip away; and
- the pride of his scars "(Paulo Coelho, The Rediscovered Manuscript).
I had figured out what we were eating, now it was up to her to realize it, but on her own.
We arrived at her house, it was time for me to withdraw from the painting at her request. I held his arm and she bowed her head.
Me: well we have arrived but before leaving I would like you to know that I have no regrets. To know you, I wanted to, but to love you, no, I just suffered it. And now I am going at your request but if you change your mind anyway, know that I am waiting for you but not forever because life has to follow its course. Be happy !
I didn't blame her, not at all. I understood her situation and in her place I would have done so. I was sad but we had to move forward, we had to continue. As usual when I have fog in my head I jog, it allowed me to clear my mind, calm down and be at peace. Around 9 p.m. I finished, take a bath and prepare some good Couscous well from home which I ate with milk. As at this hour, the streets are calm, I decide then to take a small walk. Lost in my thoughts and with my head bowed, I began to digest the rejection I received while keeping in mind that I was doing the right thing and reorganizing my love life. Suddenly I was pulled out of my thoughts when someone without screaming guy jumped on me and hugged me hard with their hands.
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