Love and family
23 September 2021, Anonyma
“To be a man, so simple and so complex…”
“Where should I start, from the beginning… I am a boy, I was born in December 1977, I have little memory of before I was five years old, but afterwards it is quite full of violent memories. My mother was extremely violent, everything was a pretext for violence. The cellar, I remember having spent two evenings there, around the age of seven, without light, I remember the terror I felt; my room, a cold room, not that it was cold there, but to punish me. The only person from whom I have had affection and love and a little protection is my sister who is four years older. Also everything is confused, I remember that for a very long time , from five to eleven for me, so from nine to fifteen for her, we played sexual games, not very often, but three to four times a year, it happened in the attic.
We undressed, we touched, we licked, we mimed the sexual act, always with a lot of tenderness, with lightness, today I wonder who was asking in these games, and especially I wonder what it hides (I have a feeling that I and / or my sister have been abused by our father). At home, sexuality was very taboo, I never had an answer to my questions, I was told when you grew up, the answers, it was my sister who gave them to me. I still see her explaining to me. What the tampons were for, and walk the talk, it was the day before my tenth birthday, that's why I remember it. Pornography, that was not taboo at home, I didn't even have to ask, I just had to help myself, the movies, the magazines, the comics, everything was hidden so well, as if it 'was made to be found there. I was interested in pornography very early on, and it got worse in my teenage years, and in adulthood it got even worse.
I got married at twenty, I loved my wife, she loved me, but it was the right plan to leave this overly intrusive mother. A few months after our wedding, I had an affair with my wife's sister, she was fifteen, a flirtation in fact, we did not sleep together, caress and masturbation, she was curious, and I replied positively, at the time I did not understand my mistake. In the following years, my addiction to pornography became more and more persistent and pronounced, I always needed more, always new things, always worse, sodomy, bondage, erotic enema, etc. everything was there.
Even pedophilia was three years ago. Fortunately for me, (this sentence is very weird), the police caught me on the net looking at pedophile sites, found quite quickly, there was a search at my home, my wife and my 4 daughters 5 years, 3 and a half years, two years and 6 months (at the time) awakened by the morality police, I was at work, I think it is one of my worst memories of all my life. I was charged, started therapy, which I still am, today I'm no longer addicted to pornography, but it's a daily struggle, and it's been a heavy struggle. My wife did not leave me, she supports me at best, she does not always understand everything, but she tries, she has trouble understanding the very principle of dependence.
Today, with this therapy, I am starting to understand myself, to get better at myself.
The last work undertaken with my therapist is talked about, this flirtation (now I call it an assault) that I had with my wife's sister ten years ago, but especially talking about it with the two people concerned: my wife and her sister. For ten years I fled, I was convinced that she had flirted with me, today I know that I was the adult, and that I should have act as such, and clearly say stop.
Today they both know that I will assume my responsibilities to the end, even if there must be legal consequences, I'm tired of being afraid, of veiling my face, of fleeing, I want to be a man, even if the price to pay is high. Some will say that I am a bastard, an aggressor, a pedophile; I cannot blame them, everything brings me back to that too. My childhood and my adolescence surely have a great weight, but I am still responsible for my actions, and I could or should have healed myself sooner. I bring my testimony that even the worst garbage can understand its mistakes and end up owning them like a man.
Thanks for reading me .”
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