How to nurture your love relationship through pleasure?
Love, relationship and family
The most natural (if not the easiest!) way to show each other your love is to create pleasure together, to stay in love and ... young! Of course, sexual relations are a privileged expression of it, but all other pleasures can take on this specific tone where the couple's deep complicity breaks out.Updated on November 26, 2020, Sarah
When a couple is bored together, they are in danger. Knowing how to create or recreate moments of pleasure is essential. Pleasure and unpleasure are of the order of sensation, of bodily feeling. (...)
The lover’s pleasures
To be in love is to discover that another, the chosen one becomes the main source of one's pleasure. “When you miss him or her, everything is empty.” All other pleasures lose their flavor and the popular expression “He loses drinking and eating” joins the poet's observation. Like the infant towards his mother, the lover expects everything from the one he / she loves: same dependence on a single object but, this time, not by vital need but by desire, desire largely mysterious. The lover at the same time wants to be like the mother who takes pleasure in her relative omnipotence to satisfy her baby; to be the one who knows how to meet the expectations of the other, that is a very rewarding ambition, narcissistically and energizing. When there is a date, reciprocity of two amorous impulses, a couple is born. In this intense relationship then all the pleasures already known are concentrated with the prospect of discovering others, together. Each brings a history, family culture, experiences which have shaped him or her, often without any knowledge, an ability to please oneself and to please. This adjustment of their mutual capacity is generally done quite quickly; each makes the other discover places of pleasure. This is how we can see young women accompanying their husbands to football and men “making the windows” with their wives. Little by little, the sorting is done between the pleasures that will bring them together and those that will remain personal.
Possible or necessary changes
But this organization can cause misunderstandings, jealousy, tensions which block one, shock the other; finally they thus become less and less able to discover new pleasures together and even to benefit from old ones. It is a crisis that must be overcome. When in a couple the displeasure outweigh the pleasures, the couple's engine will run out of fuel. When a couple is bored together, they are in danger.
To illustrate the complexity of spontaneous organizations of pleasure exchanges in the couple, we will take an example. Here is a young couple where very quickly, from their first date, the agreements were made: he plays the role of the one who assures, who reassures, who gives pleasure; she is the admiring child who receives, who is spoiled. (...) What can happen then? What possible evolution?
Professional difficulties, the arrival of children, bereavement, and finally emotional shocks, can modify the relative softness of their system. She supports him in hardships, he discovers his mothering capacity with their children, each one takes a new look at the other and their mutual expectations evolve.
But they may also not want to change and find the other pleasures they lack elsewhere than among themselves. By remaining the woman-child, the woman-object for her husband, she becomes an exemplary mother very invested in her children. And he, so paternal towards his wife, will be a friend father and this alliance with the children satisfies his child side. Finally, there may be an “elsewhere” in the family system: he is being bullied by his mother whom he has never quite left, or by a friend, in an affair. She chooses a profession where her altruistic side flourishes without her feeling invaded thanks to the limits of the professional framework. But she can also take a young lover.
All these fictitious scenarios can multiply. But the one that a flesh-and-blood couple finds is not by chance; because it is the result of their ability to manage pleasure among themselves and together. Some shapes can appear surprising, bizarre, and even unpleasant. I am thinking of sadomasochistic couples who are relatively stable, even if (or because) their way of having fun reveals a certain dysfunction of each, which explains their mutual attraction. Constantly creating pleasure.
The couple's pleasure is not at all incidental. Can we say: “I love you, but your pleasure is indifferent to me?” “I love you but I don't want to please you anymore?” “I love you, but my pleasure does not depend on you?” The most natural (if not the easiest!) way to show each other your love is to create pleasure together, to stay in love and ... young! Of course, sexual relations are a privileged expression of it, but all other pleasures can take on this specific tone where the couple's deep complicity breaks out. These moments of pleasure, as we have seen on a personal level, refocus the couple on themselves and nourish their desire to live; more trivially, it is the fuel that I have already mentioned. So we must take care of this pleasure! When it is given to us with ease, then let's take advantage and rejoice. When the times are dark, when the difficulties accumulate, let us look for them with hope and perseverance, our couple needs them to live.