Prolonged celibacy or the sad phenomenon of “old girls...”
Love, relationship and family
Just as we feel naked, when we do not put on a piece of clothing, women and men feel naked and experience a lack when they do not come together to live together.Updated on December 02, 2020, Seytoo
Prolonged celibacy can be a consequence of the difficult conditions a woman poses to a man seeking marriage. Such an attitude of the woman can result from certain situations which pushes her to such conditions by saying to herself for example: “This man is less cultivated than me; he does not represent the man who suits me from the points of view of his height, personality or beauty; this man comes from a family inferior to ours… and so on.” Prolonged celibacy can also be the consequence of a situation where the woman experiences complications that incite her to refuse all those who come forward to propose to her on the pretext that they do not have the profile of the man of her dreams, a profile that can often be closer to the imaginary than to the reality. But we know that when a woman reaches a certain age, social customs make her age a barrier that prevents men from wanting to marry her.
The difficulty can also come from the customs of the parents who ask for a huge dowry that the suitor cannot pay or who impose exorbitant conditions such as when they demand that they please them more than they like their daughter, or that he have a social situation equivalent to theirs. And there are other considerations where the temperament of the parents or the social customs intervene to mark the conscience of the parents, which can complicate the matter by pushing them to refuse the first, the second and the third candidates until they end up throwing their daughter into the abyss of prolonged celibacy.
The phenomenon can also be related to particular social conditions, such as when the girl lives in an environment where no one, of those who could marry her, can get to know her ... or when other external or internal conditions intervene, leading to the same result.
It is natural to think, when faced with situations of this kind, of the attitude of Islam which tries to facilitate the affairs of marriage. The Holy Prophetic Tradition says in this regard: “If a man, among those of acceptable piety and good character, came forward to ask for your daughter in marriage, respond positively to his request. Otherwise discord and great corruption will settle in.”
This means that good character and piety are fundamental for the marital relationship. The candidate for marriage and her parents must not refuse the candidate presenting these two characteristics, on the pretext of an allegedly negative social situation due to the candidate's belonging to a “lower social class.” Islam regards the exorbitant dowry as something fatal for women. He also considers the complication of married life because of the economic situation as reprehensible. This attitude of Islam emerges from the following Noble Quran Verse: “Marry the bachelors who are among you, and the honest among your slaves, men and women. If they are poor, God will enrich them by His favor.” The verse means that money is not taken into consideration as a condition relating to the date of marriage.
It has now become necessary to change our attitude towards this issue. We must allay the conditions and obstacles of marriage and try to give the girl and the young man the freedom to marry and live together as they please. They could opt to rent a room to live there before finishing their studies, for example, and under clearly defined conditions.
They could, for example, live with their parents if they accept it. They could settle for any place that suited their possibilities. In this way, and by alleviating the conditions of married life, by improving the traditions linked to marriage, by appeasing the unrealistic and inhuman requirements imposed on the candidate accepted by the girl, marriage could become much easier and much easier.
There is also something accepted by Islam which society cannot tolerate. Islam gives the girl the right to seek and act to find her husband. He gives her the right to ask a man to marry her, just like a man does by asking a woman to marry him. We must change morals so that the fact that a girl asks a man for marriage is not seen as an attack on her personality or her honor or as a break with her shyness or her natural restraint. Marriage is a need for the woman as it is for the man. It may even be, given certain conditions that she may face in her life, a need for the woman more than it is for the man. This consideration can be inspired by the story of this woman who presented herself before the Prophet (pbuh) seated with his companions to say to him: “O Messenger of God, make me marry!” The Prophet (pbuh) and his companions were not scandalized by this request and, in the most natural way, the Prophet (pbuh) asked that one of his companions take her in marriage. And as the only man who responded positively to the request had nothing to give him as a dowry, the Prophet (pbuh) asked him: - - “Do you know some verses from the Quran? “
- "Yes,” he replied!
- “Marry her,” says the Prophet (pbuh), “against the verses that you know,” that is to say against the learning, as only dowry, of these verses to the woman.
This story found in the Prophetic Sunnah teaches us about the need to change our views and conceptions.
Many “old girls” have fallen into celibacy because of a complex in relation to the imaginary profile of the spouse, because of unrealistic ideas about what he could do and achieve, or because of inhuman and non-Islamic concepts, among those who make the content of social mentality. It is therefore necessary to revolt against all these diminishing behaviors, against all these concepts, in order to be able to put an end to prolonged celibacy as a social phenomenon. But it is well known that the solution of such a problem cannot succeed one hundred percent.
In these kinds of situations, the woman must understand that marriage is not everything in her life. Marriage is a natural need with which the woman feels that she is entering into a relationship of complementarity with the man. It is therefore natural that she feels a certain emptiness as long as the husband is not found. It is this fact which is expressed by the noble verse which says: “They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them.”
Just as we feel naked, when we do not put on a piece of clothing, women and men feel naked and experience a lack when they do not come together to live together.
But the woman should consider that it is not necessary for her to think that in life happiness consists in obtaining all that we love. Because there are things that we love that we can't achieve. The unmarried woman should be considerate to other married women who perhaps have more serious problems than those who suffer from prolonged celibacy.
This woman should not regard her celibacy as a divine and eternal punishment. She must, while continuing to seek ways to overcome her situation, devote herself to the development of her personality through cultural and social activities. She must exert her efforts to highlight the fundamental elements of her personality, which can make her a human being whose importance and necessity are recognized by society more than man does.
For this reason, this woman should not submit to negative and suffocating sensations. It must open up to life in a wider way, for the possibilities of life are immense and its horizons considerably wide.