What should you know about sexuality, revenge and contempt between husband and wife?
Love & Family
“If you don't give me enough satisfaction, don't be surprised that I'm tempted to look elsewhere.”Updated on October 20, 2020, Seytoo
To the question…
“What would be the most terrible blow for you from your wife?”…
A husband replied…
“Let her despise me.”
Contempt can affect many areas of our life. What about when it slips into the intimate life of the couple?
Sex is not exempt from games of competition or power over the other. If the tyranny of desire can take almost invisible means of pressure, the tyranny of contempt is an equally subtle yoke. Two-way blackmail, without ever being expressed or confessed, can still be very real. In a way:
“If you don't give me enough satisfaction, don't be surprised that I'm tempted to look elsewhere.”
In the other direction:
“Are you just thinking about that?”
The war between the sensual and the spiritual cannot have a happy ending.
Neither control, nor protection
What can a woman despise in male sexuality? Men are not in control of all of their sexual reactions. Erection does not depend on a man’s will. Ejaculation is not completely under his control, although experience can gradually bring him under control. In sex, a man cannot hide this from his wife. He is unprotected. Whereas, conversely, a woman may be silent about her sexual sensations and reactions.
To hurt a man by disdaining (even without expressing it) this aspect of his sexuality can be an unconscious revenge of the woman who is not happy in her own sexuality. The difficulty of never reaching orgasm, for example, can engender resentment or humiliation that turns into contempt. Contempt can also be fed by the idea that the other (husband or wife) has too much need for sex, and that they should limit themselves further.
The vehemence of desire is only exceptionally unhealthy, but it does exist (in both men and women): this suffering is of a completely different order and requires psychological help.
Misconception of spiritual life
Contempt sometimes comes from a misconception of the spiritual life. A member of the couple may think that progress in chastity consists in gradually detaching oneself from the carnal life and going beyond it, making the spouse feel guilty and not wish to renounce it. A religious man recalls on this subject that “the demon is continent and does not know the flesh and that false chastity and a judgment on the spiritual mediocrity of the other are often the alibi for a love that is extinguished…”