“Being a man, so simple and so complex… How did I become such a bad person?”
I was convinced that my wife’s sister was attracted by my charm. Today I know that I was the adult, and that I should have act as such, and clearly say stop.Published on July 09, 2020, Pierre
“Where should I started… from the beginning, I am a boy, I was born in December 1977, I have little memory of my life between 0 and five years, but after that I have enough to remember, my violent memories. My mother was extremely violent; everything was a pretext for violence. I remember spending two evenings there, around the age of seven, with no lights. I remember the terror I felt; my room, a cold room, not that it was cold, but just to punish me. The only person from whom I had affection and love and a little protection, it was my sister who is four years older. Everything was confused, I remember that for a very long time, from five to eleven years old for me, and from nine to fifteen years for her, we played sexual games, not very often, but three to four times a year, it happened in the attic.
We undressed, we touched, we licked, we mimicked the sexual act, always with a lot of tenderness, with lightness, today I wonder who was asking in his games, and especially I wonder what it hid (I have a feeling that I and / or my sister were abused by our father). At home, sexuality was very taboo, I never had an answer to my questions, I was told when you grow up, my sister will tell me the answers, I can still see her explain what the stamps were for, and joining the gesture to the word, it was the eve of my tenth birthday, that's why I remember it. Pornography was not taboo at home, I didn't even have to ask, I just had to help myself, the films, magazines, comics, and everything was hidden… not so well, as if it was made to be there. I was interested very early on, in pornography, and that was accentuated in adolescence, and in adulthood, it was even worse.
I got married at 20, I loved my wife, and she loved me. It was a good plan to leave this too invasive mother. A few months after our marriage, I had an adventure with my wife's sister, she was fifteen, a flirt in fact, we did not sleep together, caress and masturbation, she was curious, and I replied positively, at the time I did not understand my mistake. In the following years, my addiction to pornography became more and more persistent and pronounced, I always needed more, always new things, always worse, sadomaso, bondage, enema, etc. everything passed there…
Even pedophilia was three years ago. Fortunately for me, (it's very strange this sentence), the police took me on the net looking at pedophile sites, found quite quickly, there was a search of my house, my wife and my 4 daughters 5 years, 3 and a half, two years and 6 months (at the time) awakened by the police, I was at work, I think it is one of my worst memories of all my life. I have been charged, I started therapy, which I still am, today I am no longer addicted to pornography, but it is a daily battle, and it has been a heavy battle, my wife has not left, she supports me at best, she does not always understand everything, but she tries, she has trouble understanding the very simple principle of addiction.
Today with this therapy I begin to understand myself.
At the last session with my therapist, we spoke about this flirt (now I qualify it as aggression) which I had with the sister of my wife ten years ago. I was convinced that my wife’s sister was attracted by my charm. Today I know that I was the adult, and that I should have act as such, and clearly say stop.
They both know that I will assume my responsibilities until the end, even if there must be legal consequences, I'm tired of being afraid, of veiling my face, of running away, I want to be a man, even if the price to pay is expensive. Some will say that I am a bastard, an aggressor, a pedophile, I cannot blame them, and everything brings me back to that too. My childhood and adolescence surely carry a great deal of weight, but I am still responsible for my actions, and I could or should have treated myself sooner. I bring my testimony to say that even the worst garbage can understand its errors and end up assuming them like a man.
Thanks for reading me…”