Society and lifestyle
13 September 2021, Annonyma
“If I am writing to you today it is about my story to you, a story no doubt trivial but no less painful for me! I suffered incest for 5 years of my life from a man I trusted, my stepfather! I'm going to give you a context on my family. At 6 years old my parents separated, my father was never there and my mother was violent. Before I was 7, she got in a relationship with my stepfather and we moved in with him, it was a small apartment!”
“He started slowly, he touched me insistently by making me take my bath, he masturbated in front of me, he called it funny and very pleasant little games, I did not understand, I was barely 7 years old and no one had ever touched me the way he did.
After a month or two this was not enough for him anymore, he wanted us to go to even more fun games, and he asked me for blowjobs, I didn't want to give him what he wanted, but he told me to suck like sucking a lollipop! He told me that it was our little secret and that I shouldn't tell anyone about it because nobody would believe me anyway. I was naive, very naive
The blowjobs lasted two or three months daily, then one day when we were alone he raped me for the first time, I was in so much pain, I was so disgusted that I did not know what to do. Once he finished, he washed me and told me that I was a good little girl and that he loved me very much.
The rapes begun to happen daily when we moved into the two-story house! With the rapes, the daily humiliations and the violence of my mother, I no longer knew what to do. My mother had brought my cousin, his sister's son to the house but she beat him daily, and I was crying in my room, every day I cried when she beat him, I was 8 years and a half.
I was often alone with him and he took advantage of it and in the evening before sleeping he took me as his treat; I was so afraid. It was a madhouse and the violence was constant, and yet for everyone outside we were a model family. Who would have believed my ex-father-in-law was that bad? He hid his game too well! I begged my mother not to leave me alone with him but she was turning a deaf ear.
When I was 9 and a half, things changed for worse. My mother was hospitalized for a while and I was alone with him, he forced me to sleep with him, I hardly went out, one evening he invited his friends for a little evening game… That evening I became their toys, they were with me with incredible violence, I had bruises everywhere; I became the inflatable doll of 4 men
That night, I was really dead…
Subsequently, I obeyed him with the finger and the eye, I did what he asked of me in the position he wanted, I no longer existed, I did not want to do anything, and no one noticed my change of character, nobody saw that my pain had changed, I even had the impression that my body liked what it was doing to me, my body is getting used to doing the suffering!
When I was 11 and half, my mother left her, and I found myself alone with her, she put me in boarding school, but she ended up quadriplegic and I ended up living with my dear aunt at 12.
I went from a crazy family to a family of cocoon where I had no place, the only man I trusted had left me with my aunt, I was lost, alone, I hid everything, I was lying all the time, I had disappointing school results. But nobody was asking questions.
When I was 16, I went to live with my father who died 6 months later in my arms. I broke down, I couldn't take it anymore, it was too heavy to carry, my brain had obscured the memories but not all of them, I told my sister about the rapes, and she helped me file a complaint.
It's all about my father's quick death, the complaint, the funeral, the hearing, the exams, I was not ready.
2 years later, I called to follow up on the complaint. They could not find me, and after 40 minutes on the phone, the finally told me that the compliant was closed. I was angry, I didn't understand. I even questioned my own memories which were only bridles.
Today I am 21 years old. The memories come to the surface, I am afraid of everything and everyone, I have trouble sleeping, I cannot concentrate, I lose my jobs after a month or two, I can't hold on, I'm on my nerves all day long, I have mood swings, and I want to die, to die and feel nothing, to finally forget, my feelings are too violent for me, I have hidden them for too long and now that they come back I do not control them anymore! I'm angry and it hurts, it really so hurts…
Sorry for the length of the post. Thank you to those who read me.”
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